So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
