I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
