His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
