I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
