My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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