I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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