so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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