now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
