another moral hangover. fuck.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
