he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
