Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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