i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Why is your signature on my underwear?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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