Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize