Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
