Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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