How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
