People with herpes should wear stickers.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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