too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
