Welp...herpes.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
