i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
