Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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