yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
