guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Randomize
