so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
