You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
