when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
