Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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