It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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