allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
