just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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