I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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