Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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