If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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