i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
