Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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