You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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