I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
