my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
