I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We're too hungover to prance.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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