I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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