I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
false alarm, still single
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
