I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
