I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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