it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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