Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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