I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
