Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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