i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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