I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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