we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
