I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize