So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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