I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
